Kanta Helelé - Izaline Calister

Where to start….

Let’s just say, I have not been having a great time at work the last few weeks. More on that another time. But as I was going home on the train, after vigorously apping with my kid sister about her garden plans for this new year (NO ZUCCHINIS!!), I leaned back in the train and let music wash over me. It is funny how I have about 800 songs on my phone for years now, that will never get removed, while around that I have a shell of exchangeable music, and still, with all the listening I do, my phone can surprise me. Sometimes is the order of the songs, sometimes I hear a song that I forgot I had and other times the same song will come on every time I switch it on. I had been crying before that morning and this time the music just sawed me off at the knees.

As I was sitting there, trying not to scare my fellow passengers with my blubbering sobs, a song came by that has special meaning for me. It entails a project, that I have on the shelf for over 4 years now. The first year my sister and I were in Holland, we made a video clip for my mom for her birthday: Akkerburbee to Mam. (Years and years of living in the Emma household made it possible for us to meet up, rewrite a song, tape it in one go, and then film around it in one afternoon, but excuse my uncomfortable singin’). Even now, years later, when I am walking though the supermarket, I would hear the faint melody of the original song and feel happysad. Boy, I just rewatched the clip and the voice you hear the loudest at the beginning is of my aunt Enid, so the tears just kept on coming this time…..

Soon after this clip, things started to happen, that our family was not well equipped to deal with at the time. There were months of awful hurt, not speaking, tears and then suddenly...a death in the family. My father lost a brother and not long after my mom lost a sister. Feeling helpless on this side of the world I turned to what comforts me: music. I wanted to make another clip, but this time involving more people, friends and loved ones here. I contacted a wonderful Antillean singer, Izaline Calister, to ask for her permission to use her song. And she sent me the sheet music as well. So I bought a guitar on marktplaats and started to teach myself. I asked some help from people who actually know how to play and told my husband to start practicing on his blues harp. I started to contact others to make short clips to edit into the clip.

To sum it all up, none of that worked out. It got shelved and became a task, rather than a token of love for me. But it never left my head. Every time I would hear the song, I would regret not having done it. So yesterday, when the song came by, I decided that I would do this. Maybe not the elaborate version, but beautiful none the less.

We have had so much beautiful moments in the last years, this is just to remind us of all the good things we have had and still do!

Thank you Izaline, for your beautiful song, it has helped me through many tough times.

And thank you Looup, without whom, I probably would have mastered the guitar by now....

I have nothing - Soundtrack of the Bodyguard

This blog has been typed and retyped in my head many, many times. Because so much time has passed and so much stuff has happened that the main subject of the blog kept changing, but also because I could not think of a song that could encapsulate the emotions going along with all of that.

And then, this morning, in the one place where I get many bright ideas, it suddenly came to me. So as soon as I got out of the shower, I sat down in my robe and started typing away.

When I was growing up, as it still is today, I loved all kinds of music. So much so, that I never really was an extra fan of one particular band or artist. From the get go I loved soundtracks, some even without seeing the movie. My parents had the long-play album for the Summer of 42 (still haven’t seen that one), I have the theme song playing in the background now and I think it must have been my ballet genes that loved the score as a kid under 10 years….I was lucky enough to have an older sister with a more, popular, albeit repetitive, taste. So besides the aforementioned Michael Jackson album that even my father should know by heart through forced osmosis, the soundtrack of the Bodyguard is also one that I know by heart. From the super popular I will always love you by Whitney to the Trust in me by Joe Cocker, we have sung along and fiercely stomped along our imaginary runway in borrowed high heels from our mother on Lovely Day and got in the mood for tidying our room to Every woman.

We usually skipped through the ‘sappy’ songs. But after finally seeing the movie, years later, as it was rated at least PG 13 (you know my mom’s stance on those) I could appreciate the songs for what they were and the feeling they invoked in the movie. And I definitely could appreciate the artistry of Whitney.

This past week a great bully told me: …and then, you will have nothing….(imagine a very low and angry voice here). Besides the fact that in the faces of bullies I am very well-trained (it is afterwards that I show discomfort, if any), it made me think a bit over the next few day or so.

As I have mentioned over and over and over and over again in the last blogs, there has been a recurring theme in my life the last year. I guess that is my mid-life crisis. What makes me happy? What gives me fulfillment? What puts a zip in my step even if I have to do stuff I don’t like? And every time it comes back to the same things. I know what is important to me. I know what the things are that give me the strength to get through the less fun stuff.

Yesterday my sister had health scare and I thought, what if something happened to her??? That is a thought that never leaves your mind when you live at at least 10 hours travel away from your loved ones. Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is check my phone to see what happened those waking hours there that I was asleep here. Joris laughs about it, because it is such an automatic movement, that I pushed him away this morning to reach for my phone without even knowing when he came to hug me awake this morning.  In my defense, I am usually up earlier than he is, so I am not used to have him between me and my phone at that hour! Aforementioned husband went south for carnival last Monday and felt in such a deep sleep that I had to listened for breathing sounds, as he did not move the whole night. Whilst he was partying, I went shopping with my kid sister and then went to pick up her kids at daycare. My big friend, co-middle child Bleo threw himself in my arms instead of mama, surprised us all!

To sum it all up, as I am getting quite cold sitting here in my robe, and I neeeed to go put on some heels and stomp around on Lovely Day ever since I mentioned it, I was reminded this week once again of what matters to me.

I would have nothing, if I don’t have you, family. The rest is just fodder.

I know this question will come up:

Definition of fodder. 1 : something fed to domestic animals; especially : coarse food for cattle, horses, or sheep. 2 : inferior or readily available material used to supply a heavy demand