No such thing - John Mayer

Recap time! 2015 flew by! As we were so busy being outside living our lives, blogging was always simmering in the back of my mind, but not a priority. Now I am making it a priority, as it is very good to look back and reflect on good and bad things, if only to relive the joy or relearn the lessons. 

So as I was going through the pictures of 2015, a few weeks ago, it was almost Thanksgiving. Which meant that at our annual dinner, we had to tell the rest what we were most grateful for in the last year. We have been in Holland for 5 years now and in December, almost to the day, it was 6 years since we made the decision to move that I was supposed to graduate. Supposed to, as I completely, irreparably crashed and burned that last exam and have another few weeks to go to the resit in March. 

But I digress. As I was thinking about all that I am grateful for, it was easy to see that we are so lucky to have so much that we can take for granted. We have food everyday, a roof over our head, people to love and to love us, the luxury of travelling home every year, job security and most importantly good health. But what I am the most grateful for in 2015 (and this was a recurring theme at the table this year) was my wonderful husband. 

This has  been another year of balancing (school)work and family life, fun and duty and once again i have realized how lucky I am to have a life partner and best friend to go through all of it with. Together we really are more than the sum of our parts and he enables me to be my best self. And to think it all started with with a plate of macaroni...I hope this new year brings us a lot of travelling miles together and new challenges once the VU challenge is tackled! It was quite a disappointment to fail that exam, I was devastated to say the least. Even though that I believe that the best school is life itself and not the ECT's that I am gathering at the VU, this is still a hurdle I chose to take. It sucks that it has taken so much effort, time and money.

But as I could say a few days later: first world problems. So a few more months of studying and tuition. It is what it is. At least I am not Steve Harvey....

As I had said before 2015 was a year of upping the ante and we did. Worked harder, we loved harder and we tried harder to be kind to ourselves and the ones around us. We also played harder this year, which was needed! We ran harder for sure, one of our favorite ways of spending quality time together in 2015.

New shoes for new miles!

What I think I have learned in the last year is that I felt the best when I probably looked my worst. I will never pay money for a race picture or movie again! I will just keep the medal and erase the mental images from my head. 

Kiki Cupcake turned 3 in 2015, we had a low key Koekie celebration. Kiki is now in a sort of hibernation mode, we will see what the new year will bring.

I had my belly button remodeled in November, for a second time since last year I had so much pain I had to go the the emergency room. This time I was scanned and my appendix had to come out immediately. I think J got some new gray hairs out of that experience...

We had so much fun with family this year! We got 2 new family members in 2015, Liv and Alexander. 

Christmas with the cousins!

Kos di plak by Snaf

Projectile vomiting caught on camera

Family party at SBP with the family

A family highlight of 2015 must be Daddy coming over. Another spur of the moment decision, but those are the best in my opinion. 

Alexander

Liv and big brother Finn

So much good times in the kitchen together this year! We have started baking our own bread in the weekends, it has a certain grounding sensation to pound the dough and see it rise. And the smell in the house is a plus too.

Still growing the next donation. This time I'm going for a longer braid.

All in all, we are doing well! No promises, but 2016 will bring more stories and probably more blogs :o)

James Bay - Let it go

As the days are getting shorter and nights are getting colder, I find it harder and harder to feel inspired. On top of the steady march toward winter, my days are also a bit aimless, by lack of a better word, as I am waiting for my 2 final courses of my BSc to start. My thesis has been handed in a while back already and there will be a whole blogpost dedicated to that period of our lives, I pwomise. Just not right now.

Today I want to respond to a request from a person very dear to my heart. She asked how I deal with forgiveness. How do you forgive someone when that person does not ask for it? Or does not seem remorseful?

As we were driving home from a very arduous trail run (first of 5 in as many weeks coming), the endorphins were flowing through my body and I was catching up with all the whatsCrap messages I had gotten in the hour I was offline. One of them was from an ex-boyfriend. A person with whom I had been through a lot of crap. Moments I am not proud of, bawling in public transportation, throwing of clothes out in the street, months of not speaking. And still, this person is now a friend. A person I would not want to miss in my life. It is because of all we have been through together, that he is the person I would send a message when I meet a mutual friend, or find an old picture, or just because we haven't had contact in a long while.

And then this song by James Bay came on. I could feel the inspiration coming and could not wait to get home to get this on paper.
My ex and I could have both chosen to take another road, to stay angry and forget we have ever met, loved and hated. I am happy to say, that I don't have many people in my life, with whom all bridges are burned. And don't get me wrong. I can be a proper witch. I can be cold and delete you from my life and forget that you exist altogether. I have done that. I will not spend another second of my life or ounce of my energy on you anymore. That will put you in the pile: not important enough to keep around.
But life is hard lo live without leaving a mark, if you do it right. That means that you leave your mark on people and others leave theirs on you. And not all marks heal without scarring. But that is par for the course, I guess. What has helped me to deal with this is to realize that scars don't hurt. They are there to remind you of pain you have survived. They are reminders of lessons you have already learned and should not forget. And to be able to rationalize, I keep in mind the 4 agreements. Especially number 2 and 3. I keep repeating that to myself,

When you forgive, what you are really doing is allowing yourself to let it go. Let go of anger and hurt and bad energy that are keeping you from making room for beautiful things that could fill that space. It has nothing to do with the other person. It should not matter whether the other is remorseful or doing the same to another. That person is walking a path that is not yours and life will come full circle for them as well.
Let it go, let it be, just be you and I'll be me.

When a fire starts to burn... - Disclosure

This post has been a loooong time coming...It is a good thing I can post-date the blog :p

So March was my last post and a lot has happened since then, of course. I have been to Salzburg for my final days in the field as a student, where I saw the only snow I have seen in 2015.

But where I also had some lovely runs in the sun, with amazing views. 

We have done some work in the garden, planting Italian herbs that we have enjoyed all during the year. The little corner of Curacao in the form of bougainvillea is still alive now in the mild winter we have been having. 

In my final days of classes before the summer, I have passed this kiddie pool many times. Every time the water was running, meant that the temperature was going to rise above 20 degrees that day. So that was always a happy moment!

Most of my classmates have graduated this summer, so we had a final BBQ with the class, one of many gatherings with family and friends this year.

We ran. We ran a lot this year.

And we have enjoyed so much good music, good food and quality times with family and friends!

We said goodbye to Onyx and hello to Wonyx.

I wrote and presented my thesis about Cultural Heritage and water. I did well :) I got my grade just as I switched my phone back on after flying home to my family over the summer. This trip happened quite unexpectedly and when I booked, our friend Arjan said he would go along and booked the same flight. 

Always a good feeling to walk out into the heat of the island after spending so many hours on the plane!

We had a lot of fun, but that was because we had a work hard/play hard vacation. Arjan and I had the main goal to help out as much as possible at the foundation. We are used to working hard, but even so we had forgotten how the work never ends there! So we spend our spare free time mostly napping in the sun or happy hour-ing with friends. 

But that is not what I want to blog about. This vacation has been good for me in so many ways. After giving it my absolute all to finish my thesis and all other classes, it was good to have a break from the mental stuff and have more physical exercise. But also I got to spend time with 2 guys, other than my husband, that have played a part in my life. Maybe it was timing, maybe it was my mental state, maybe it was the weather, but I could feel something change in me. I had many good conversations, with one of our newest friends and one of my oldest friends. About what makes a person confident, how to let go of stuff, about regrets and dreams, about love and choices. And also about silly stuff, music, the pencil test, our biggest blunders, Michelle and such. And we had good food, good music, good talks in the backdrop of my youth. I can clearly remember sitting in a car with a good surround system, going home after Wet & Wild, with Disclosure playing. When a fire starts to burn, and it starts to spread, she gonna bring that attitude home, don't wanna do nothing with their life....
And I made a decision. The confidence I feel when I am on the island, how different I feel in my skin (the tan does help), the happiness I feel just being, I have to hold on to that. We chose to move away from the island. It is important to find the joy of just being in the situation we are in now, not only in the situation we wish to be in in the future. I can make more of an effort to be graceful and grateful where I am at. 
And you know what, it worked. I am still a lot more conscious of how happy my life is than before. I am more proud of what I have accomplished already, instead of seeing only what is still to do. It takes work, but by now it has become the norm. I did take the attitude home.  

Slight scare with the landing back in NL

Back home to hug the family!

Whether they want to or not....