Clean Bandit - Rather be

As I was writing this, by hand, on paper, I was sitting on a crappy waiting room seat at Hato Airport in Curaçao. For the 4^th day in a row. I was trying to leave home to go home (you YdK will get that). That is as complicated as it sounds. For the 48 hours I was originally intending to stay, it was easy to live in a bubble of un-attachment for everything other than just being with my family. But the second time walking out of the arrivals hall in 2 days was tougher. Staying put due to a overbooked flight back to AMS, I walked out to a bonus day on my island. And the next day again, and the next day again. And slowly the island crept under my skin (and on, got the tan to prove it). 

Friends and family kept dragging me back and forth between home and the airport, where I had to sit for many, many hours and 4 books, to see if I was allowed on the flight or not. The other people standing by with me and I all wished each other luck every new attempt, but we all coveted every possible spot on the big blue bird going home. Every day some left, and some stayed behind. Disappointment started to seep through the seams. Also the memory of sitting there with Joris 4 almost 4 years before, leaving the island, on the way to our trip around the world.

Sitting in the departure hall gave me a lot of time to ponder things in my mind. Something had been weighing me down for a while, but I started seeing it in a different, sunnier light. For the last few months, with my nose to the grindstone in an unknown fashion, I had been suffering from an annoying, unfinished, in between feeling. No matter how much effort I put into things, the results simply were not there yet. Not quite there with school, with our house, weight loss, progress with running, Kiki is running behind, our travel plans keep changing….(sigh).
As I sat there, with my past, on day 3, talking about my future, in the breeze of the Caribbean, overlooking the sea, there was a shift in me. I realized I was having first world problems. These hours, checked out of the registry of the island, not yet checked in at my destination, in no-one land, by myself, away from my family on both sides of the ocean, I realized I was exactly where I needed to be. I know where I am from and I know where I am going and who I'm taking with me. I am in between, because I have direction. We are not standing still. At a certain point we are going to see the results of all the actions we are taking now. As my favorite trainer says: Transformation is not a future event, it is a present activity." Jillian Michaels.

You see, so much of our unhappy moments have to do with expectations. When we change our attitude of entitlement and realize that what life throws at us are gifts (sometimes elaborately and beautifully wrapped, sometimes propelled by a fan) and take it as it comes, gratefulness will change how you look at things not going according to your original plan. At least you have enough life, health and time to be concerned about ‘stuff’. So yes, school seems like a never-ending uphill battle, but I am closer to my goals today, than I was yesterday. I am conditioning my mind and body for what is still to come. I still can’t run the 16k in full, far from it, but I am going out for a run a few days a week and haven’t felt this healthy in the gym, ever.

I felt blessed. What a wonderful life we live. Even though a lot is simply given to us, we still have so much choice. It really is our greatest wealth. We choose daily how to fill our days, how to behave towards others and how to view the world. We keep forgetting how many options we have, and how easy it is to change what we don’t like. Most of our problems are first world problems. Remember that. When you wake up in the morning, take your first conscious breath of the day and be grateful that you got to sleep at all, probably on a semblance of a bed and most probably inside a building. And I know that within your own world, your problems can be huge and overwhelming. And that putting things in perspective only helps so much. But in everything you do, you still have the choice of how to do it. How to make it impact your life and dent your spirit. Or not. As a recovering unasked problem-solver, I keep repeating my new found mantra (not my circus, not my monkeys, not my circus, not my monkeys) and letting things roll of my back, like water off a duck.

And you know what? It is now a few months later. The results are starting to show. Awesomeness. 

I leave you with some words by the Beatles, this song came by as I was typing this up and gives melody to my feelings.

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup
They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind
Possessing and caressing me
Jai Guru Deva OM

 Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes
They call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box
They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe
Jai Guru Deva OM

Nothing's gonna change my world

Sounds of laughter, shades of life are ringing through my open ears
Inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on, across the universe
Jai Guru Deva OM

Nothing's gonna change my world